bitethedust’s posterous

You know you're Australian if....
You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

Read my real blog on Remote and Indigenous Health

You won’t find the word “bot” over at sandnsurf’s Ausenclature and Aussie dictionary. Well not yet anyway.

In the Age of Internets “bot” means something quite different, but in old Aussie slang it means to “scrounge”. If you were always wanting to bot, say, a cigarette you would get a bit of a bad name as you were always borrowing but never giving anything back.

I am on the bot.

I need a few different types of chargers for the different makes of MP3 players. With overcrowding, transient population and no real safe place to keep belongings the chargers for many MP3 players go missing.

I recharge several overnight that use a mini-USB port (computers are uncommon in homes) but I lack chargers for the different proprietary brands such as the smaller iPod variations, Sansdisk(?) etc.

If you are in Australia and can lay your hands on some please contact me.

But that’s not all!

I am after a dictionary. Well a few really. It is for some young men who want to improve their literacy. I require something with simple explanations that passes in company as an adult, not a child’s dictionary. I have no idea where to look for this online. If you know where I can obtain such a beast please let me know.

And I do have something to offer you in return. Go have a Captain Cook at Australian Slang. Practice hard!

Anyway, I have to go as I am flat out like a lizard drinking.

Visit the serious blog at BitingTheDust

Another funny vid doing the email rounds

Visit the serious blog at BitingTheDust

Visit the serious blog on Remote, Indigenous, and  Health issues at BitingTheDust

Guess which is the odd piece of artwork? (Hint: it is not the 8ft long spear of which you can see the tip)

 Visit the real blog on remote and indigenous health at BitingTheDust

Yes, it is true. I am a Collingwood supporter. For those of you not familiar with Australian Rules Football Collingwood is the team everyone hates. This is why Collingwood supporters are such strong characters!

The Encyclopaedia of Collingwood Jokes


Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side


What's the difference between the Collingwood and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 25 matches.


How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!


What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I ll have fries with that thanks

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?
Nanna

You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Collingwood fan Twice


You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.



What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during sex?
The bus shelter


If you're driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike why shouldn't you run him over?
It could be your bike.



They found one of Josef Fritzl's daughter's diary from the infamous Austrian "lock-up" case just last weekend. It read:
Monday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Tuesday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Wednesday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Thursday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Friday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Saturday - went to go watch Collingwood play. Wished I stayed at home.



Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one the of the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with pick up a stick and started to bash the dog with. Well in the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed.
A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy " that was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."
So the lady started think of headline....
"Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not a Carlton supporter.
"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not an Essendon supporter either. So the lady asked who he barracked for and he said Collingwood.
The next days headlines where " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"



Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
The first says, My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex life is like one premiership after another.
The second says, My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98.
They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
What s wrong, they say as their friend starts sobbing. Well, she says hesitantly, my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be.


Why do Collingwood fans stink?
So blind people can hate them, too.


What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?
The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt to bed?
You ain't going to score.


A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin.
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father, who comforts him by saying, Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours.


A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare after realising she was the only one of her friends - (who were all Collingwood supporters) - who was not on benefits.
How many children do you have? the man at Centrelink asked.
Ten, she replied.
What are their names?
Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn and Jaidyn, she replied.
They're all named Jaidyn? he asked What if you want them to come in from playing outside?
Oh, that's easy, she said. I just call 'Jaidyn,' and they all come running in.
And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?
I just say, 'Jaidyn, come eat your dinner', she answered.
But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? he asked.
Oh, that's easy, she said. I just use their last name.


How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done
his job in the first place the light bulb would never have
gone out


A truck driver is driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitch-hiking. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride as usually when the driver sees a Collingwood supporter on the road he runs them over. But with a priest in the truck, he wouldn't be able to carry out his favorite pastime.
But being a good bloke, the truck driver decides to pick up the priest and forgo his fun for this one trip.
Just after the priest jumps into the cab they come across a Collingwood supporter hitchhiking.
The diver decides to swerve to avoid the Collingwood supporter but hears a huge BOOM!
The driver looks over at the priest, who says, Don't worry - I got him with the door


What s the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre?
A cactus has pricks on the outside


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, What's your IQ?
The man replies, 150 , and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, This is really cool. , and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, What's your IQ?
About a 100, the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
What's your IQ? the robot asks.
Er, 50, I think.
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, So, I expect you'll be following Collingwood again this year?


What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.


Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
Because she played for Collingwood.


Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
What their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father ..
Billy responded: My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes
off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is
really good, he ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let
them sleep with him.
The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and
took little Billy aside to ask him if what he d said was really true.
No said Billy , He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football
Club but I was just too embarrassed to say ..


Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite, prompting Joffa's son to ask him 'dad, what s a transvestite?', to which Joffa replied, 'Go ask your mum, he'll know'.


What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in the same direction?
Jailbreak!


What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood supporter?
Pizza can feed a family of four.


A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up to their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough water.


How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant.


What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?
Gifted.


A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."



Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Visit the real blog on remote and indigenous health at BitingTheDust

I went out to the runway to meet our weekly plane today. My friends think this is exotic. Here it is normal. Unfortunately I didn’t think to take photos of this “normal” event for them to look at.

To make up for it here’s a picture of a light plane taking off down the hill on the road at Innamincka as the airstrip was too wet,  a little wash away on the Cordillo Downs Station track after some rain and an obligatory sand dune and rainstorm picture.

Enjoy